I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize