do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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