My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
