my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
