yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
