i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sponge bath it is.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
