I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
