I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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