I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
