He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
