True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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