My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
