The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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