All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
