Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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