first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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