We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
