Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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