he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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