Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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