did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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