booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
