Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
