I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
