whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
