There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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