Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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