I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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