My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize