She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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