I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
