quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
