Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
