Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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