i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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