so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
