Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
