i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
