You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize