i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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