I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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