So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
