So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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