I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize