the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
