a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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