If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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