yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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