Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
