All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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