And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
