Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize