Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
