At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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