im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
