I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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