it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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